Isolation can be overwhelming, but it is never all-encompassing; Christ’s love is greater than our loneliness.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I listened to the sacrament hymn being sung around me. But I wasn’t crying because I felt the Spirit—I was crying because I felt nothing at all. Physically, I was surrounded by friends and ward members who I knew cared about me. But emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I was wrapped in a darkness that was difficult to pierce.
Photo by Amirreza Marand
At times, the darkness seemed to lift a little bit, but it always returned in full force within a week or two. This went on for much of 2024, keeping me isolated from my friends despite living with and near them. While I recognized that this wasn’t a punishment from God, I didn’t know how to help myself out of the pit. I was doing my best to read my scriptures, and I pleaded with the Lord to take the darkness away.
He didn’t.
However, over time, the truth taught by then-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in his BYU devotional “Lessons from Liberty Jail” became clearer to me: “Every experience can become a redemptive experience if we remain bonded to our Father in Heaven through that difficulty.” As I made what little efforts I could to study the scriptures, pray, and attend the temple, I began to feel confirmations that my Savior was with me and knew the pain I was experiencing. Several times, I could sense something different wrapped around me—the arms of his love (see 2 Nephi 1:15). These glimpses were infrequent, which was frustrating. But all I had to hold on to was the gospel, so I kept trying in the hope that I could feel God’s love again. This didn’t remove the feelings of darkness, but it reassured me that I wasn’t alone—and that I hadn’t ever been, even when I couldn’t feel it.
I have since come to understand that because Christ has “descended below all things” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:6), he could descend into the pit of my depression to sit with me until it was time to help me climb out. Eventually, buoyed up by Christ’s love and the support of others in my life, I was able to meet with mental health professionals and work on a plan to help me feel like myself again.
Because of this experience, I’ve learned quite a bit about myself and about God. Indeed, I can testify of Elder Holland’s promise that “you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experience with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life.” Even when we can’t feel them near, we can trust that Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven are with us, bearing us up with loving arms.
Read or watch Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s BYU devotional, “Lessons from Liberty Jail,” to learn more about how God lifts us up in times of trial.
Source: BYU Speeches
—Alyssa Knutti, Latter-day Saint Insights
FEATURE IMAGE BY BRUNO VAN DER KRAAN
Find more insights
Read or watch the general conference talk “Songs Sung and Unsung” by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland for more of his thoughts about mental health.
Take a look at the Latter-day Saint Insights article “You Can Find Peace Amid Mental Health Trials” by Haley Roper to learn more about finding peace during hard moments.
Love this. Thank you for sharing your experience!